Online

The fears of potential embarrassment.. not from people who you are never going to meet, but the people that already know you or know of you.. You know?

As in putting your name out there and your colleagues/classmates searching you, then fearing they are laughing at you behind your back..  Or your ex boyfriends/girlfriends having a wonder or ex friends, whatever, do you know what I mean?  I’m sure there are others who relate.. ?

I really want to have more confidence in sharing my writing and thoughts with the world.  I’m finding the pressure to do so at the moment a bit difficult.  In one sense, well I currently have my Instagram deactivated.  I did it this time around because of procrastination and having deadlines to meet.  On the other hand though I’ve got my deadlines out the way now and want to reactivate and share some of my poetry on there also challenging myself to have a better “work/social” balance.

I’m still aware of Instagram just feeling like one big ego pit though, and actually quite unhealthy for me at times so I’m hesitant and also of course because of this whole fear of being judged lark.  More recently I had become more confident on Instagram and actually had my profile public and my handle was my first name and to be honest I was really enjoying it for the most part.  So thats my dilemma really wanting to go back and be public and “out there” but at the same time cringing at the whole thing..

To be honest I feel I do generally have a good, healthy view of Instagram just feeling a little like sharing and reaching out.  Also again this is very impromptu, off the cuff, authentic sharing.  Theres probably a lot more I could write on this topic and issue but as it is, this is all I’ve got right now.

 

Impromptu

This blog has come to be impromptu, spontaneous and random.  Like my mind, it is messy and inconsistent.  Is that what being is though?  Nevertheless, I am working on it.  My mind more than the blog but it would be nice to dedicate more time to blogging without my mind getting in the way.  Literally I have such mixed feelings about social media and still very much struggle with my self esteem so a big part of me still criticises and procrastinates about my writing and sharing publicly.

Social media is something I desperately want to write successfully about.  I have such a desire and passion to express myself but procrastination and self doubt have always stopped me.  A lot of what I have to say is critical so this has been my main obstacle.  Maybe the blog will be the place I comfortably share my thoughts.  The thing is there have been a few times where I’ve written what could be considered blog posts as Facebook statuses or instagram captions.  In these situations my passion has overridden my self doubt and I just think Fuck it.  Maybe because I haven’t really engaged with the blogging world Ive found it hard to confidently share my voice??

I have not made this blog very personal and I have been hesitant to simply out of fear.  It is so ridiculous really in this day and age but the vulnerability makes me so anxious.  I suppose it is the fear of the unknown.  Whats coincidental or synchronistic is that as I logged in tonight I got a notification of it being a year since I started this blog.  Feeling like it is a bit of a sign that it is the right time to get back into it and push and challenge myself further, I will log back in tomorrow and decide how I am going to move forward.

 

 

Procrastination

 

Just wrote this piece after deciding to call it a day with my writing assignments.  Really struggled with procrastination today.  Had planned to start back up the blog after my deadlines in a couple of weeks but just got the notion to write and share authentically.  Starting to think its actually a gesture of what I'm calling preconceived procrastination.  If I write and post this now then it gives me something to check in on tomorrow when I'm supposed to be doing my assignments.. 😁 (I've really gotta practice this type of writing without the use of emojis!) Anyway, enjoy this short poem/piece and if you do read it, like it or relate, please indicate in someway so my procrastinating tomorrow is at least a little satisfactory ✌🏾❤️✨

Why do we get in these…. delete, delete, delete.

How do we get in those grips of….

indecisiveness.

Dilly dallying, self doubting

Re-reading

Over thinking

Cringing.

Curser hovering over space, after commas, blinking blinking,

awaiting pressure.

Why does this happen?!

It feels so good to have a little flow of typing,

Why doesn't my brain want that feeling more frequently?

My heart does.

Sigh

 

I feel an absolute mess today.

Anxieties and doubt smoking me out.

“Focus on the good, focus on the good,” but all I hear back is, “yeah, yeah, yeah, give it a break!”

Sigh

This though… :)*positivevibes

Genuinely! 🙂But then is that a bad thing?..Hmmmm

Started this at half 4am after my friend left, but in no way an indication of not enjoying her time or company, because I actually had a really wicked night.  Had seen this earlier in the day and thought it hilarious and very true of me personally recently.  I do find it an interesting topic though.  As in, being  best friends with yourself and preferring time alone vs the, “no man is an island” argument and feeling like we need friends because were social beings.. To be honest, like with anything I think theres gotta be balance but there is nothing wrong and it is in fact a great thing, if you can genuinely enjoy your own company and recognise you don’t need anyone else to actually make you happy.  We have it all inside ourselves already 🙂✌️💛

Thank you!

Just wanted to say Thank you to the 9 people following me!  Im very new to the blogging world and each follow, like or comment has been much appreciated.  I wanted to show my appreciation by sharing each of their blogs in a post but can’t figure out how.. ?? Is that not possible? Any one feeling helpful, please let me know. ✌️💛

 

 

 

The next best thing

So I had quite a few rants I wanted to write about and potentially put on here but just last minute I thought, no, they can wait. I’d rather put out some positivity because ultimately thats what I want to feel and promote. To be honest though, in contradiction to the above image, I do recognise its not, “Always good vibes”. Earlier, despite my efforts to remain calm and positive I had a heated argument with my mum and came off the phone with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. I felt like shit but in a round about way, thats what allowed me to feel better-recognising the fact that I felt like shit.
“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” – Eckhart Tolle
There really is so much in this mindfulness stuff! A few months ago I would have got so caught up in feeling like shit that within a matter of minutes I’d surely be telling myself, “I am shit!” Anyone relate? 😒Being the awareness behind your thoughts however, gives you a freedom like no other. It literally takes you out of your feelings and that is a phenomenal thing when experiencing heightened anxiety or upset. When feeling these types of negative emotions, they can so quickly spiral out of control, a domino effect almost, layering more and more negativity, until you are exuding those negative thoughts. Don’t let it continue though, get yourself out of it. Begin to practice mindfulness, begin to become aware of your thoughts and emotions, it will change your life in such a positive way. If you are currently on a positive vibe wave, trying to stay positive and optimistic, please remember to never beat yourself up for feeling negative emotions. They happen to us all and it is impossible to control every thought we have. Being aware and recognising though, is the next best thing. 😉 ✌️💛

On my mind

I’ve experienced debilitating depression and anxiety in the past and still suffer from time to time now. I have friends and family that are recently starting to experience these feelings for themselves and a part of me feels like, “good!!”, because when I was suffering really bad they used air quotes to describe my depression or was a bitch to me because I didn’t go to their birthday party. I don’t want to feel like they deserve to feel like this now but apart of me just can’t help it! I don’t actually want them to be crippled by the depths of anxiety and depression because I love and care about them a huge deal, however these thoughts do pop into my head. At times I’ve worried that makes me a bad person but now I realise I’m not. I’m human and we all have thoughts and feelings that we don’t like or want sometimes. Its important to remember they are not facts and they don’t define us.
Especially dealing with anxiety, I know thoughts can feel 100% true but we have to remember they are not. They are usually just an amalgamation of our own insecurities and fears. They are unnecessary and unhelpful. I won’t tell you to ignore them because I know in those moments thats practically impossible but I think the trick now is to be aware of them. Practicing mindfulness and being present in the moment will help with this. If you’ve never done it before start with something like when you are showering or washing the dishes. Literally just focus on the task at hand, the smell of the body wash or fairly liquid. The feel of the bubbles between your fingers and actually how the hot water feels on your skin. Once you do this a few times you can practice being mindful in other situations. All it is, is being aware of the moment you’re in. It can be done anytime, even now for a brief second. Once you start practicing you will naturally become more aware and in moments of anxiety or stress you are then able to stop yourself or change the direction of your thought. ✌️💛

Starting my blog..

I decided to help myself out by pasting in the above image which only ironically made me feel like, “I don’t got this” since it took me nearly 5 minutes to get the cursor below it to start typing 🙈 Now I’ve just used an emoji! And it’s the monkey covering his face emoji. What does that say about me having it? 😬 Anyway, whether I’ve got it or not, the font has randomly changed, again and instead of changing it back, I’m gonna leave it like I got this and get on with my first entry.

I decided to start a blog because I’ve always had a desire to write but never much confidence in what I’ve written. I write pieces and poems all the time that nobody sees or hears because I’m so sure,”It’s not that good.” Recently I’ve undergone a bit of a lifestyle change. Waking up earlier, drinking more water, eating healthier, pretty much detoxing my whole life. Its also included reading Eckhart Tolle’s, A New Earth and meditating daily and I have to say these two things in particular have changed my life. I’m feeling a positivity on a whole new level and basically saying fuck it, why not in starting this blog. I aim and hope to motivate, inspire and encourage anyone who will read it but fore mostly this blog is a personal tool in helping my confidence grow.

Yours honestly

Li x